


red is in the air

by rhapsobee



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ashen Romance | Auspistice, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Multi, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pesterlog, Red Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-30
Updated: 2014-12-12
Packaged: 2018-02-23 06:16:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 2,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2537255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhapsobee/pseuds/rhapsobee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>terezi tries to get karkat to play matchmaker for gamzee and tavros.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this story is told mostly as a series of pesterlogs

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

GC: K4RK4T

GC: K4RK4T V4NT4S

GC: L1ST3N UP DUMB4SS

CG: WHAT IS IT

CG: I DON’T HAVE ALL DAY

GC: TOO B4D LOS3R

GC: TH1S 1S MUCH MORE 1MPORT4NT TH4N WH4T3V3R 3LS3 YOU W3R3 GONN4 DO TOD4Y

CG: OH REALLY

GC: Y3S R34LLY

GC: DUMB4SS

CG: ALRIGHT. WHAT'S SO FUCKING IMPORTANT, TEREZI?

GC: >:]

GC: YOU WILL N3V3R B3LI3V3 WH4T H4PP3N3D TOD4Y

CG: TRY ME, BLIND GIRL

GC: OH

GC: 1S TH4T HOW 1TS GONN4 B3

CG: YES.

GC: F1N3

GC: T4VROS 4ND TH3 CLOWN PSYCHO 4R3 HOT FOR 34CH OTH3R

GC: BR1GHT FUCK1NG R3D

GC: TH3Y W4NN4 M4K3 SW33T CH3RRY LOV3 TOG3TH3R

GC: TOLD Y4 YOUD N3V3R B3L13V3 1T

GC: H3LLO

GC: K4RK4T

GC: H3Y

carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]

GC: YOU OK4Y M4N

GC: >:?


	2. Chapter 2

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]

GC: 1 TH1NK 1 BROK3 K4RK4T

AC: :33 < *ac wrinkles her little nose in confusion at this unexpected nonsequitpurr*

AC: :33 < *ac says what, not even a hello furst?*

GC: UGH

GC: *TH3 BL1ND G1RL W4LKS 1NTO TH3 W3IRD C4T G1RLS CR33PY C4V3 W1TH PURPOS3 4ND D3T3RM1N4T1ON*

AC: :33 < my cave is not cr33py!!

AC: :33 < wait why aren’t you a dragon???

GC: B3C4US3 TH1S 1S S3R1OUS SH1T TH4TS H4PP3N1NG R1GHT NOW

GC: W3 H4V3 NO T1M3 FOR YOUR S1LLY L1TTL3 G4M3S

AC: :33 < aw

GC: 1M SORRY TH4T W4S M34N

GC: 1 4M STR3SS3D OUT

AC: :33 < what was your purrpose then if not to rp with me?

AC: :33 < wait whats wrong with karcat???

AC: :33 < IS HE OKAY??

GC: PHYS1C4LLY

GC: 1 1NFORM3D K4RK4T OF SOM3 1NFORM4T1ON TH4T 1 R3C3NTLY D1SCOV3R3D

GC: 4BOUT N1TR4M 4ND M4K4R4

AC: :33 < what?

GC: 1N LOOOOOOOOV3

AC: :33 < WHAT

AC: :33 < SINCE WHEN????

AC: :33 < why have you waited until now to disclose this infurmation??

GC: B3C4US3 1 W4SNT SUR3 UNT1L NOW

AC: :33 < hang on how DO you know fur sure?

GC: 1 W4S JUST M1ND1NG MY OWN BUS1N3SS H1D1NG 1N TH3 BUSH3S  
GC: YOU KNOW

GC: 4S ONE DO3S

AC: :33 < of course. go on.

GC: 4ND 1 JUST H4PP3N3D TO S33 T4VROS 4ND G4MZ33 W4LK1NG TOG3TH3R

AC: :33 < you SAW them WALKING?

GC: BOTH OF THOS3 W3R3 F1GUR3S OF SP33CH

AC: :33 < i know. im just messing with you ;33

GC: L3T M3 JUST F1N1SH MY STORY W1LL Y4

AC: :33 < alrighty!

GC: SO I *SM3LL3D* TH3M 4S G4MZ33 W4S *WH33L1NG* T4VROS DOWN TH3 P4TH

GC: 4ND 1 COULD TOT4LLY T3LL

GC: TH3 41R B3TW33N TH3M W4S SO S3XU4LLY CH4RG3D TH4T 1 COULD L1T3R4LLY T4ST3 TH3 R3D OF TH31R POT3NT14LLY HOT BUT 4S Y3T UNR34L1Z3D M4T3SPR1T3SH1P

AC: :33 < !!!!!!!!

AC: :33 < I N33D TO UPDATE MY WALL!!

GC: YOU 4R3 SO W31RD

arsenicCatnip has ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator

GC: OH COM3 ON


	3. Chapter 3

carcinoGeneticist began trolling gallowsCalibrator

CG: OKAY, I AM BACK.

GC: DUD3333 WH3R3 TH3 H3LL D1D YOU GO

GC: 4C 4ND 1 W3R3 CONC3RN3D FOR YOUR M3NT4L H34LTH

CG: YOU AND WHO?

GC: N3P3T4

CG: AH.

CG: SO, CAN YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN HOW YOU FOUND OUT THE, UM, INFORMATION THAT YOU TOLD ME EARLIER?

GC: 1 W4S ON 4 SURV31LL4NC3 M1SS1ON

CG: YOU WERE SPYING.

GC: ON3 COULD C4LL 1T TH4T

CG: SO WHAT’D YOU SEE?

GC: NOTH1NG

GC: DURR

CG: THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT AND YOU KNOW IT.

GC: >:]

CG: WHAT DID YOU HEAR, THEN?

CG: OR SMELL?

CG: WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU DO

GC: 1 D1DN’T H34R 4NYTH1NG

GC: 1 T4ST3D 4LL TH3 R3D ON TH3 41R

CG: I BEG YOUR PARDON

GC: 1 4DOR3 TH3 FL4VOR OF R3D

GC: 4S YOU W3LL KNOW >;]

CG: YES, I DO.

CG: BUT,

CG: HOW DOES THAT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

GC: R3DROM T4ST3S TH3 S4M3 4S MY R3D CH4LK

GC: B3TT3R 4CTU4LLY

CG: YOU CAN TASTE IT ON THE AIR? LIKE THE SMELL OF BAKING ROMANCE WAFTING ACROSS TO WHEREVER YOU WERE HIDING LIKE THE LITTLE CREEP YOU ARE?

GC: Y3S

GC: 4ND 1TS FRUSTR4T1NG B3C4US3 1TS OBV1OUS TH4T TH3Y W4NT TO BON3

GC: TO F1LL SOM3 FUCK1NG BUCK3TS

CG: AUGH.

GC: BUT 34CH 1S TOO MUCH OF 4N 4SS TO T3LL TH3 OTH3R TH4T TH3Y W4NT TH31RS 1F YOU G3T MY M34N1NG

CG: AUGH.

GC: YOU 4SK3D

CG: I DID NOT FUCKING NEED TO KNOW ANY OF THIS SHIT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

CG: WHY WOULD YOU INVOLVE ME IN THIS?

GC: TH3YRE YOUR FR13NDS

CG: GAMZEE IS NOT MY FRIEND.

GC: Y3S H3 1S LOS3R

CG: FINE. HE IS. WE’RE FUCKING MOIRAILS. BUT I’M STAYING OUT OF THIS ONE.

CG: I CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH OF THAT FUCKING LOON

GC: T4VROS TH3N

CG: UGHHHHH

CG: WHY ME.

CG: WHY

CG: FUCKING

CG: ME

GC: H3Y YOUR3 TH3 ON3 WHO L1K3S 4LL THOS3 SH1TTY ROM4NT1C COM3D13S

CG: THEY’RE NOT SHITTY

CG: YOU’RE SHITTY

GC: PLUS 4LSO YOUV3 SUPPOS3DLY STUD13D 3XT3NS1V3LY TH3 1NN3R WORK1NGS OF TH3 QU4DR4NTS 4ND SH1T

GC: SO YOUR3 L1K3 TH3 MOST QU4L1F13D

GC: >:]

CG: I CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE THIS.

CG: I’M GONNA JUST ASK THEM.

GC: NOOOOOOO

GC: DONT DO 1T

GC: TH3N TH3YLL KNOW TH4T 1 W4S SNOOP1NG

CG: SERVES YOU RIGHT.

GC: K4RK4T PL34S3

CG: WHY WERE YOU SNOOPING, ANYHOW?

GC: 1 H4V3 TO KNOW TH1NGS

GC: 1 MUST UPHOLD TH3 L4W 4ND TH3Y S33M3D L1K3 TH3Y W3R3 UP TO SOM3TH1NG SUSP1C1OUS

CG: YOU PERVERT.

GC: 1 W4S NOT TH3 P3RV3RT 1N TH4T S1TU4T1ON

GC: TH3 V1B3S COM1NG OFF OF G4MZ33 W3R3 SO NOT PG

GC: 1 M34N R34LLY

GC: 1 KN3W H3 H4D 4 S1CK M1ND

GC: BUT NOTH1NG COULD PR3P4R3 M3 FOR TOD4Y

CG: UGH. PLEASE STOP TALKING TO ME ABOUT THIS.

GC: NO 1 N33D YOUR H3LP!

CG: WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE ME DO, IF NOT TALK TO THEM?

GC: NO JUST DONT S4Y 4NYTH1NG D1R3CTLY

GC: YOU C4N H1NT 4T TH1NGS

CG: I AM DONE WITH THIS CONVERSATION. GOODBYE.

GC: YOU UNH3LPFUL SH1T

carcinoGeneticist ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator

GC: G4H


	4. Chapter 4

carcinoGeneticist began trolling terminallyCapricious

CG: I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM DOING THIS.

CG: I CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE IT.

TC: BeLiEvE wHaT, kArBrO?

TC: wHaT dO yOu NoT bElIeVe In?

TC: YoU wAnNa KnOw WhAt I bElIeVe In?

CG: OH DEAR GOD

TC: MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLeS, bRoThEr.

TC: ThAtS mOtHeRfUcKiNg WhAt.

TC: HoNk :o)

CG: YEAH NOPE NEVERMIND

CG: FUCK THIS

CG: I CANNOT DEAL WITH YOU RIGHT NOW

CG: TAKE CARE, WEIRDO.

CG: TALK TO YOU LATER, MAYBE

TC: AiGhT mAn A mOtHeRfUcKeR’s GoTtA dO wHaTeVeR hE’s GoTtA dO

carcinoGenetecist has ceased trolling terminallyCapricious

TC: wHaTeVeR tHe FuCk FeElS rIgHt In YoUr HeArT

TC: FoLlOw YoUr OwN mIrAcLe PaTh

TC: ThAt’S tHe ShIt, BrO

TC: i CoUlD uSe A mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRaClE rIgHt NoW

TC: :o(

TC: hOnK


	5. Chapter 5

carcinoGeneticist began trolling adiosToreador

CG: HELLO TOREADORK

CG: HOW GOES IT

AT: uH, oKAY,

AT: sOMETHING, uH, wEIRD HAPPENED TODAY, tHOUGH

CG: YEAH I DONT ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HOW YOUR DAY WAS

CG: IM HERE ON A MISSION

AT: oH

CG: TO GET PYROPE OFF MY ASS

AT: oKAY WHAT DO YOU NEED,

CG: I CANNOT BELIEVE IM SAYING THIS

AT: sAYING WHAT,

CG: DONT FUCKING INTERRUPT ME

AT: sORRY,,

CG: HAVE YOU

CG: ER

CG: HAVE YOUR

CG: INTERACTIONS

CG: WITH MAKARA CHANGED AT ALL IN THESE PAST WEEKS

AT: aCTUALLY, uH, tHATS WHAT I WANTED TO, uH, tALK ABOUT BEFORE,,

AT: gAMZEE HAS BEEN ACTING, uH, sTRANGE

AT: aND I WAS, uH, cONCERNED ABOUT HIM THE OTHER DAY

CG: OH DO TELL

CG: IM ON THE EDGE OF MY FUCKING SEAT

AT: uH,,,

CG: JUST TELL ME

AT: uH, oKAY,,

AT: sO,

AT: wE WERE TALKING THE OTHER DAY AND HE JUST, uH, hONKED, oUT OF NOWHERE

AT: wHICH, uH, nORMALLY WOULDNT BE CAUSE FOR CONCERN

AT: yOU KNOW HOW HE IS

AT: hES NORMALLY A LITTLE OFF

CG: GOOD GOD NITRAM COULD YOU BE ANY MORE LONG WINDED

CG: FINISH THIS SWEEP WONT YOU

AT: sORRY,, }:o(

CG: WHY IS THERE A CLOWN NOSE ON YOUR EMOTE

AT: iT, uH,,,

CG: HELLO

CG: YOU STILL THERE

AT: iT REMINDS ME,, uH, oF,, uH,,

AT: oF GAMZEE,,

AT: sORRY I DONT ACTUALLY KNOW WHY

CG: HOLY FUCKING SHIT IN A STICK

AT: wHAT,,

CG: FINISH YOUR STORY

AT: oH YEAH

AT: sO HE JUST WENT, hONK, bUT THEN HE MADE ANOTHER NOISE THAT SOUNDED,,,

AT: hE SOUNDED LIKE HE WAS IN AGONY

AT: tHEN HE, uH, sORTA DISSOLVED INTO HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER

AT: tHEN HE WENT AND HID

AT: hE WASNT ANYWHERE TO BE FOUND ON MY SCREEN

CG: THIS IS A TOTAL CLUSTERFUCK

AT: rEALLY,,

AT: oH NO,

CG: DONT WORRY YOUR DUMB HEAD ABOUT IT

CG: I’LL JUST TAKE CARE OF FUCKING EVERYTHING

CG: AS PER USUAL

AT: ,,,

CG: OH SHUT UP

CG has ceased trolling AT


	6. Chapter 6

CG began trolling GC

CG: OKAY YOU WERE RIGHT

CG: MAKARA AND TOREADORK ARE

CG: FLUSHED FOR EACH OTHER

CG: GROSS

GC: H4H4H4H4 1 KN3W 1T

GC: SO WH4T D1D YOU DO

CG: NOTHING YET

GC: WH4T WHY

CG: I DON’T KNOW IF THEY’D WORK TOGETHER

GC: OH K4RK4T

GC: 1 D1DNT KNOW YOU C4R3D

CG: SHUT UP

GC: TH3Y W1LL B3 F1N3

CG: I GUESS THEY DO COMPLEMENT EACH OTHER

CG: I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M DOING THIS

GC: GO PL4Y M4TCHM4K3R L1TTL3 K4RK4T

CG: FUCK OFF

GC: H3H3

CG has ceased trolling GC

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

CG began trolling TC

CG: HEY GAMZEE

CG: HELLO

CG: WHERE ARE YOU

TC: hOnK.

CG: OH HEY

TC: hOnk.

CG: YES WE ALL GET IT YOU DUMB CLOWN FUCK

CG: HONK HONK HONK.

TC: :o)

CG: GAH

TC: aRe YoU gOnNa AlL uP aNd LeAvE aGaIn

CG: NO

CG: YEAH I GUESS I’M SORRY ABOUT BEFORE

TC: ThAtS oKaY

TC: wErE sTiLl MoThErFuCkInG bRoS

CG: GOOD

CG: BECAUSE I NEED TO ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS

CG: THE FIRST ONE BEING THIS

CG: ARE YOU FLUSHED FOR TAVROS NITRAM

TC: :oO

TC: tHaTs ThE wIcKeD sHiT mY bRoThEr

TC: HoW dId YoU mOtHeRfUcKiNg KnOw

CG: YOU COULD CALL IT INTUITION

CG: YOU COULD CALL IT A BLIND PAIN IN THE ASS SHOVING INFORMATION IN MY FACE THAT I IN NO WAY ASKED FOR OR WANTED, FORCING ME TO PLAY MATCHMAKER TO MY ASSHOLE BEST FRIEND AND ANOTHER WEIRDO

CG: WHICHEVER

TC: wHaT

CG: NEVER MIND

CG: THE POINT IS

CG: NITRAM’S FLUSHED FOR YOU TOO

CG: HE USED THE GODDAMN CLOWN NOSE IN HIS HAPPY EMOTE

CG: A CLEAR REFERENCE TO THE INSCRUTABLE FACT THAT YOU MAKE HIM HAPPY

TC: ...

TC: what

CG: WOAH.

CG: THAT WAS SCARY.

CG: ANYWAY YOU SHOULD JUST TELL HIM AND THEN PYROPE WILL GET OFF MY ASS AND YOU CAN GET ON TAV’S

CG: BYE NOW

TC: wAiT

CG: WHAT

TC: wHaT dO i SaY

TC: tO hIm

CG: OH MY GOD I DON’T KNOW

CG: “HEY TAVROS, WANNA COME OVER?”

TC: uH

CG: YOU’LL BE FINE YOU TWO ARE PERFECT

CG: JEGUS I SOUND LIKE NEPETA

CG: YOU MADE ME

CG: BELIEVE AGAIN

CG: HAHA LOOK AT ME

CG: FUCKING GROSS

CG: I’M OUT.

CG has ceased trolling TC


	8. Chapter 8

CG began trolling GC

CG: DAMN YOU

GC: >:?

CG: YOU WERE RIGHT

GC: 1 KNOW

GC: W41T 4BOUT WH4T

CG: OH MY GOD

CG: ABOUT GAMZEE AND TAVROS

GC: OH R1GHT

GC: D4MN STR41GHT

GC: COURS3 1 W4S R1GHT

CG: UH HUH

CG: ANYWAY

CG: I TOLD THE CLOWN THAT HE HAD TO JUST MAKE A MOVE

GC: YOU D1D WH4T

CG: IS THAT NOT WHAT YOU WANTED ME TO DO

GC: UH

GC: YOUR3 FR13NDS W1TH G4MZ33, R1GHT?

CG: WHAT KIND OF A STUPID QUESTION IS THAT

GC: OK4Y

GC: SO YOU KNOW HOW H3 C4N B3 4 L1TTL3

CG: WHAT

GC: 3XC3SS1V3

CG: SHIT

CG: TAVROS IS NOT READY FOR A BIG ROMANTIC GESTURE FROM THAT PSYCHOPATH

CG: HE NEARLY DIED WHEN I YELLED AT HIM EARLIER

GC: 1TS PROB4BLY OK4Y

GC: H3S STRONG3R TH4N MOST P3OPL3 G1V3 H1M CR3D1T FOR

GC: H3 H3LD UP 4G41NST VR1SK4 FOR 4 WH1L3

CG: WHATEVER

CG: I DONT ACTUALLY CARE

GC: R34LLY

CG: FUCK OFF

GC: BUT S3R1OUSLY

GC: 1 HOP3 TH3Y WORK OUT

CG: YOURE BECOMING NEPETA

GC: SH1T

GC: 1 PROM1S3D 1D K33P H3R UPD4T3D

GC: GOTT4 GO

CG: ENJOY THE GIRLIE TALK TEZ

GC: 1V3 3NJOY3D TH1S G1RL13 T4LK

CG: FUCK YOU

GC: L4T3R, M4YB3

GC: >;)

GC has ceased trolling CG


	9. Chapter 9

GC began trolling AC

GC: YO

GC: 1NT3R3ST1NG TH1NGS 4R3 H4PP3N1NG

AC: :33 < really?

GC: Y34H

AC: :33 < well dont just leave me hanging!

AC: :33 < what is happening????

GC: G4MZ33 1S GO1NG TO M4K3 SOM3 SORT OF SW33P1NG ROM4NT1C G3STUR3

GC: TO T4VROS

AC: :33 < gamz33 is??

AC: :33 < what is he going to do?

GC: W3 DONT KNOW

AC: :33 < is that a bad thing?

GC: 1TS G4MZ33

GC: YOU T3LL M3

AC: :33 < uh oh

GC: 1 DONT KNOW 1F W3 SHOULD DO 4NYTH1NG OR NOT

GC: K4RK4T 1S JUST BLOW1NG TH1S OUT OF PROPORT1ON

AC: :33 < i sure hope so

GC: 1LL JUST ST4Y OUT OF 1T

AC: :33 < okay

AC: :33 < ill talk to equius about what we should do!

GC: TH4T M1GHT NOT B3 TH3 B3ST 1D34

AC ceased trolling GC


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy tits i never thought i'd let the fic go on this long oh well here goes

AC began trolling CT

AC: :33 < hiya!

CT: D --> hello nepeta

AC: :33 < youll never guess what i know :33

CT: D --> i would prefer not to

AC: :33 < i do not care what you prefur

AC: :33 < just guess darnit

AC: :33 < be some fun fur once

CT: D --> fine

CT: D --> you murdered yet another majestic creature of nature

AC: :33 < no!

AC: :33 < well yes

AC: :33 < but thats not it!

AC: :33 < its about someone we know

CT: D --> has somebody entered into a flushed relationship with someone else

AC: :33 < yes!!!!!

AC: :33 < and youll never guess who it is

CT: D --> quite frankly unless you are one of the parties involved i do not care

CT: D --> it isnt megido is it

AC: :33 < aw thats so cute that you care

AC: :33 < but no

CT: D --> then why are you telling me at all

AC: :33 < because you will find it interesting i swear

AC: :33 < its...

AC: :33 < tavros and gamz33

CT: D --> i beg your pardon

AC: :33 < i know right! its soooo cute!

CT: D --> do you mean to tell me

CT: D --> that the highb100d

CT: D --> has become... involved

CT: D --> with a dirt-b100ded troll like that

AC: :33 < equius dont be mean!!

AC: :33 < and theyre not quite ‘involved’ yet

AC: :33 < makara is gonna make a big romantic gesture or something

AC: :33 < thats what terezi told me

CT: D --> then its clear what i have to do

CT: D --> this must be stopped

AC: :33 < noooooo

AC: :33 < you cant!

CT: D --> the highb100d is clearly not thinking clearly

CT: D --> i need to talk some sense into him

AC: :33 < equius wait thats really not a good plan

CT has ceased trolling AC

AC: :33 < *ac growls angrily*


End file.
